


Just the Good Parts

by Ursula



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-07-08
Updated: 2002-07-08
Packaged: 2018-11-20 09:45:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,384
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11333271
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ursula/pseuds/Ursula
Summary: Fanon gone bad





	Just the Good Parts

**Author's Note:**

> Note from alice ttlg, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Basement](http://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Basement), which moved to the AO3 to ensure the stories are always available and so that authors may have complete control of their own works. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Basement's collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/thebasement/profile).

Just the Good Parts

## Just the Good Parts

#### by Ursula

Title: Just the Good Parts 

Author/Pseudonym: Ursula 

Fandom: X Files 

Pairing: M/K, starring the Lone Gunmen 

Rating: R 

Status: Finished 

Date Posted: 7-7-02 

Archive: Full House DIB 

E-mail address for feedback: Fan4Richie or 

Classification: Humor 

Series/Sequel: Is this story part of a series: No, aren't you happy? 

Web Site: http://fullhouseslash.slashcity.net/~ursula/ 

Disclaimers: Carter wore out. Now are they ours? 

Notes: Late birthday prezzie for Yankee Starbuck...think of it as a present from your weird aunt, Ursula. 

Basic Premise: What if Krycek was reborn as a sparsely detailed fan fiction concoction? 

Warnings: True and total silliness 

Time Frame: Left of Never Never 

So, you save the Earth, go into hiding so you can keep saving it, and in the meantime... 

"It sucks," Langly remarked for the tenth time that day. 

Byers was ironing his socks. He adjusted his lace apron and said primly, "You would find it less difficult if you put your ennui to productive use." 

Frohike looked up from perusal of Skin and Leather to say, "We could screw." 

"My ass is sore and you ate beans," Langly answered. He looked at Byers and said, "Hey, John, I was thinking..." 

"I'm saving myself for Suzanne," Byers said. 

"Yeah, well, I was going to ask if you would make me some cookies," Langly said. 

"Perhaps," Byers said, "Snickerdoodles?" 

"What, honey-pie?" Frohike replied. 

There was a long drawn out sigh from Byers and a buzz from the security system. "Hey, open, it's me, Mulder." 

Being the youngest, Langly managed to get into the elevator first. He remained to the front and so was the first to emerge behind the false wall. He inserted his key card and opened the door to find Mulder and a large walking burlap bag. "Hey, Mulder, I thought you were going to be busy for the next few weeks." 

"Yeah, well, you know that scientist I was investigating? The one who wrote the article about reconstructing people from samples of hair?" Mulder said in a furtive and embarrassed manner. 

"Better come in, Mulder, even in 'It's a Small, Small World' people might notice a secret door," Frohike said. 

Now when you think about it, what better place to hide than under Disneyland? Visitors can come and go in odd disguises and who is going to notice? There was plentiful electricity and unlimited junk food. It was a place to warm a Lone Gunmen's heart. No wonder Jimmy was begging to be allowed to fake death with them. 

Slipping in the door, Mulder kept a grip on the figure in the burlap bag almost solicitously. He crowded onto the elevator with the three Gunmen and the burlap bag. 

Frohike broke the elevator silence rule by saying, "Say, Mulder, who's the bag you're with?" 

"It's a long story," Mulder said, "I think I better show you." 

Arriving at the Fortress of Solitude, Mulder guided the bag inside and waited for everyone to follow. Once he had the attention of his friends and allies, Mulder released the ties that held the bag together. It fell away to reveal the oddest creature any of the Gunmen had ever saw. 

The creature had human eyes, mossy green and very beautiful, both surrounded by eyelashes as long as Langly's hair. A tiny cute nose and a sweet mouth occupied the heart shaped face. Elfin ears created a lacy effect around the Valentine blur in which the features were placed. A swanlike neck supported the head. Fronds of chestnut silken hair in many lengths streamed from the sides. Graceful hands flapped from a small square of what appeared to be black leather. A naked cock jutted from the front and a beautiful ass rounded out the picture. Long legs supported the torso while pretty feet provided a platform. The overall effect was like a hybrid between a human and an upright Platypus. 

Byers said, "Mulder, is this a new form of alien?" 

"Not exactly," Mulder said. "You see the scientist's invention worked. He offered to prove it to me. I brought him samples of people important to my life, my Mom, my Dad, Samantha, Elvis." 

"Wow!" Langly said. 

"How did it work out?" Frohike asked. 

"Not very well," Mulder said. "The minute I brought my parents back, they killed each other. Turns out my Mom was the one that really took my Dad out. All this time I thought it was my Dad who was embroiled deepest in the conspiracy. As it turned out, my Mom was one of the most feared contract killers to ever live. My father was a fool to mess with her." 

"What about you sister?" Byers asked. 

"Hell with Samantha. What about Elvis?" Frohike said. 

"Samantha and Elvis are fine. Samantha came back as a twenty-year-old woman and the King was reborn as a young man. They ran off together. They're trying to break into show business as we speak," Mulder said. 

"Wow," Langly said. 

"Yeah, wow," Mulder said. "I'm a bright guy. I learn from my mistakes and I've had a lot of chances to learn. So this time I asked if it was possible for the scientists to edit the revenant and bring back only the good parts. He seemed to understand what I meant so I brought him the lock of hair Krycek left me as a momento." 

"Krycek? You wanted Krycek brought back? The Rat Bastard?" Frohike raged. 

"Well, only the good parts...I mean, he was a good lay and he was a great Junior Agent when he played that role. I meant that Doctor F. N. Stein should edit Krycek's personality. What I didn't realize at the time was that although a genius, Doctor Stein suffered from Asperger's Syndrome. Notably, he was lacking in insight into human nuances...often he was heard to say that he was not one of those nuancey boys," Mulder said. His monologue might have continued except that the creature waddled over to Byers and pushed against him, purring in a deep husky tone to be petted. 

Byers reached out a quavering hand and patted the creature. It promptly presented its hindquarters and wiggled enticingly. "Poor thing seems to crave affection," Byers said. 

"Yeah," Mulder said with a blush, "it does." 

"Couldn't the guy fix Krycek? I mean that's a shitty way to go through life," Langly said. 

"Well, I suppose he could if I could find him," Mulder replied. "Apparently when he realized what he had done, he packed all his equipment and took off. It took me a couple hours before I realized that this pitiful creature was Krycek. Of course, I had to take him with me. The poor thing can't do much for himself with his hands like that." 

Langly eyed the flippers to which the beautiful hands were attached and shook his head. "Yeah, I can see that. I mean the guy has legs that can wrap around you twice, but no arms to speak of." 

At the sudden jealous glare from Mulder, Langly held up his hands in a placating manner and said, "I was speaking theoretically about the legs, of course. I guess his arms were not memorable. I wonder why he has a black leather chest and no pants?" 

"You know, Alex always had a thing about showing his chest. He was shy or had a scar or something. He never minded taking off his pants for me though," Mulder explained. "Well, I need to go look for Doctor Stein. Can you look after Alex?" 

"Yeah, I suppose," Byers said. "You want us to try to track this Doctor Frank N. Stein?" 

"Yeah, I'll keep in touch. I'm going to Transylvania...Dr. Stein's homeland," Mulder said. 

"Be careful," Frohike urged. "Watch out for pale big breasted bimbos and guys in really old fashioned tuxedos." 

"I will," Mulder agreed. "Keep Krycek out of trouble and don't um...well, he's mine." 

"Yeah, right," Frohike said, "No problem. Even though he has a nice ass, he's a little too odd for me. I'll stick with Mary's little inflatable sheep." 

Langly snickered. 

OooOooO 

Big tears flowed from Krycek's saucer-sized eyes as Mulder left. The poor creature rushed to the door weeping after which he stumbled around blindly until Langly figured out that the long heavy eyelashes had become so sodden that Krycek could not lift them to open his eyes. They bonded over a hair dryer.... 

Poor Krycek had a mouth, but not much of a stomach. He could drink vodka, champagne, whiskey if it was from Walter Skinner's liquor cabinet (never mind how Langly happened to have that.) and water. He could eat strawberries, chocolate, caviar, pizza, Chinese food, and bread. Everything else was ignored with a pitiful tear from the big green eyes and a soft Russian curse. 

The creature could play poker if it was strip. It also played chess. It cheated boldly at both. Langly's attempt to teach Krycek-Creature Dungeons and Dragons failed miserably. Every time he said 'dungeon', Krycek collapsed into a traumatized heap and sobbed. It was fun the first ten times, but after that Langly started to feel guilty. 

OooOooO 

"No, no, no," Langly said crossly as Krycek-Creature tried to wiggle between his lap and the computer. Byers had dressed the thing in sweatpants but it had shoved them off at first chance. 

"It's horny," Frohike said. He cackled and said, "Come on, Langly, Mulder said to take care of it. It's kind of cute. Grows on you." 

"Then you do it," Langly said. "I think it looks like a porno version of Sponge Bob." 

"Sponge Bob is hot," Frohike remarked. 

"You're sick, man," Langly answered. "and keep your hands off him. Mulder said so." 

Frohike made his gargoyle face and said, "Scully is hotter anyway. I know one of these days she'll realize I'm the one." 

"Yeah, the one that keeps raiding her lingerie drawer," Langly retorted. 

"If you two spent as much time trying to solve the problem as you did fighting," Byers said. He managed to look both stern and triumphant, "Then you might have been the one to divine where Stein was hiding." 

"Yeah?" Langly said, pushing Krycek-Creature down and away from contact with his crotch. "Where?" 

Now Byers managed to look so superior that he closely resembled a bearded version of Dr. Evil. He said, "Right here. Or as close to it so we could have borrowed a cup of Pentium chips. He's got a bunker under the Haunted Mansion." 

"No shit?" Langly said, again avoiding the persistent affections of Krycek-Creature. "Let's go get him, dudes." 

"I think we better wait for Mulder to get back," Frohike said. "You know how he gets about being upstaged." 

"I suppose we must," Byers said. 

OooOooO 

Mulder looked pale and his neck had a large bandage with a picture of a cross carefully drawn upon it. He wore a sprig of garlic for a boutonniere. He snarled, "Don't ask." 

"Hey, I didn't," Frohike said. "How was Transylvania?" 

"It sucked," Mulder replied. "Now what's this about Stein? Is he still hiding under the Haunted Mansion?" 

"Yes, we've had him under surveillance much as I despise illegal wiretapping," Byers replied. "He's brought equipment hidden in cleaning carts into his bunker." 

"Yeah, we'll clean up his act," said Frohike. 

OooOooO 

Colored liquid bubbled in arcane bursts of light like lava lights seen on acid. Not that Langly knew about that. 

Right. 

Mulder shoved the door open with his foot and assumed a gunfighter's stance, pointing his gun on a hunched figure that was madly adjusting the swirling liquids. "Step away. What nefarious experiment are you performing now?" 

"Hey, even a mad scientist needs a day job. These are new Slurpee flavors," Doctor Stein replied. "Try the Peach Margarita. I think it's my finest product." 

"Don't try to bullshit me," Mulder said as Langly wandered into the room with Krycek-Creature in tow. 

Langly swiped a finger into the peach brew and said, "Hey, he's right. This is a great Slurpee flavor. It has grownup appeal." 

"As if you would know about what appeals to grownups," Byers said. 

Sticking his orange dyed tongue out at Byers, Langly tried another taste. Krycek-Creature wiggled and moaned for some so Langly put his finger into the pretty mouth set in the sparsely detailed face. 

The pitiful mutated thing cried out as if in orgasm. Color scintillated in vaporous rainbows around him. He whirled in circles as if trying to catch a view of his own pretty ass. 

"No, Alex, oh fuck, what's happening to him now?" Mulder screamed. 

"I don't know," Langly said. "The Slurpee didn't do anything to me." 

Mulder lunged forward to catch the suffering creature in his arms. "Oh Alex," he moaned. The light slowly faded to reveal a naked perfect Krycek, good, bad, and indifferent parts intact. 

"He's cured!" Langly shouted. 

"Oh, so that's what I did with that corrective formula!" the doctor exclaimed. 

"I've learned my lesson," Mulder said, cupping Alex's cute little chin in his hand. "I love you from head to foot and I'll take the good with the bad." 

Krycek sighed and folded into his lover. He blinked beautiful eyes, now properly sized and said, "Wow, what a long strange trip that was! Last time I experienced anything that wild was when I hid out with a bunch of Dead-Heads from Spender." 

"I wonder why the formula didn't do anything to me?" Langly mused. He looked around and noticed that everyone in the room was looking at him. 

"Geez, Langly, I never noticed before how good looking you were. Want to come and see why they call me the Long Gunman?" said Frohike. 

"Langly, have I ever offered to show you my etchings?" Byers said. 

Doctor Stein said, "I can make you pharmaceuticals never experienced by man if you go out with me." 

Mulder had only eyes for his Alex. Shortly afterwards, they mugged Mickey Mouse, took his costume to disguise Alex and left, not giving a rat's ass for the stares that followed them. 

As for Langly, he was into foursomes so everything turned out just peachy! 

Happy Belated, Birthday Yankee Starbuck! This story brought to you by the color peach. 

* * *

If you enjoyed this story, please send feedback to Ursula 


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